sometimes

sometimes i am overwhelmed by it all. 

i used to be overwhelmed by it all, all the time.

i don’t understand the hatred, the meanness.

i don’t get the rush of why we need to do all of this at once.

everything seems darker, quicker

(like the photo above that is only partially in focus),

razor sharp to the touch.

and i bleed easily. i don’t know why it’s in my genes,

 but i bleed longer than most.

so i retreat a bit. hold back on really— getting in there—with everyone.

i can’t watch scary movies. i can’t even watch disturbing tv commercials. maybe that makes me a baby.  a coward. 

i have been called over-sensitive all my life.

i like to think that it means my meter for evil is very low. 

that i don’t want to accept the decision

because “that’s just how it is, how it works”.

it affects me more than it shouldperhaps.

however, i am trying to just keep up sometimes.

and recently i discovered, that the only person i need to make happy is me.

i need to make sure that i am happy so i can help others be happy too. like my two loves rl and a.reese.  they are my heartsong(happy feet).

you see, i am trying not to care anymore what anyone thinks except me, and God. it’s hard to think this way, and have myself realize that by choosing my happiness first, it doesn’t make it wrong(maybe to some, but)…  when i am happy, i help others spread happiness.  and so far, with a few bumps and bruises along the way, i’m learning that the happier i make myself, the happier i make God. and the blessings seem to flow from me to others. and dang…does it feel good. 

intentional kindness is my motto for 2012, and it is more than a resolution.  it is something that i plan on practicing forever, because even that may not be long enough to perfect it.

**pictures taken by rl on vacation in the blue ridge mountains in 2010.**

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