trying to wear this one out.

what is it about this season of my life that makes me snap as i never have before?  so scared of making any mistakes?  as if, i haven’t made millions already?  and i’ve been forgiven (when i shouldn’t have been), but i’m terrified to fail.  at being a mama to alex, and a best girl to rl.  at living a life i’m proud of and not having any regrets.  is it that responsibility that holds me back from truly embracing this “one wild and precious life” (mary oliver)?  or myself?  perhaps.

is it that i’m afraid of what others may say or think?

always.

but i think what i’m starting to realize is that even though my mouth sometimes has a mind of its own (as oftentimes they do), i’m trying to reign in whatever may break another’s spirit, before i unleash.  hard lessons have been won lately.  mistakes that have cut others.  i don’t want this to be my legacy.  my sword of a mouth.

we don’t always heal the same, and i’d be lying if i told you that i don’t want every.single.person that i meet to like me.  and that i’d love to leave them happier or more at ease with our passing tides.  i do.  that is always my intent.

i think that’s human nature.

but intent and actions, are two different beasts.  i’d like to tame actions.  to make it my medal.  that all my actions are graceful acceptance and loving reactions to what life throws at me.

this upcoming season in my life, i’d like:

to look forward:

more light,

more life of spring,

more bulbs, seeds, plantings of goodness

more songbirds,

more blooming life of what was forgotten in the dark, the enshrouded.

to look forward with hope.  i am the only one who can weed my own snarls out.

i am stepping forward, i am looking up, i am seeking the sunshine.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!”
Isaiah 43:18

 

i linked this up here: