{insert your excuse here: mine was fear}

my roommate left this for me in the hotel room. ♥

to mankind, i may never be enough, but in God’s eyes, i always am.

YES!

i struggle with jealousy. with fear. with comparison.  bummer.

i also struggle with too much i.
but, if you are a human being (pretty sure this means you), so do you.  yay, we’re in this together!
so, when i was given the gift of attending  the influence conference, i thought, how in the world have i gotten myself into this? i am a ‘fraidy cat. i am not good enough. i don’t have sidebar advertisements on my blog, and i’m pretty sure the last time i thought of doing a fun outfit post was um, never? &, i haven’t even started my shop yet!

anywhoo, i have FEARS.  & they are real.  in fact, they have over my lifetime given me physical symptoms of panic attacks.  so the thought of driving to indianapolis, to room with a stranger (Hi Kathleen!), & hang out with women from all walks of life, {knowing no one}  & the only things that connected us were God & a conference room?

t-e-r-r-i-f-y-i-n-g.

my thoughts:  i am not a good enough____________…. fueled my fears to great lengths.  & you probably know if you know me in real life, that i’m a christian.

so how come i was so scared?  how come i didn’t just remember that God loves me?  because i’m human, and we mess up!  Oh, you do too?  Welcome to my club.  🙂

disclaimer:  i am about to get real-to-my-soul-goodness right here.  you ready?  oh, well, it’s coming at you anyways!

from here on out:  every single thing that i write, every thought that i have, every breath that i take, it is all trying to please God.  it always has been.  i just haven’t vocalized that much. starting here, i may vocalize it.  or, i may not.  i may continue to write how i feel comfortable.  i may leave the words needed for others to write the gospel, to the loving gifted people to write with holy words, & scripture messages jam-packed full to the brim.  and that’s okay!  we all have our gifts.

my new friend emily, she makes gorgeous hair pieces at borrowed lark

part of the reason that i believed that i was not good enough to attend the conference is that i haven’t practiced being me enough.

wait, what? that does not make sense.

God created each of us unique. so, it’s okay that my blog is unique, & doesn’t quote scripture (well sometimes it may), doesn’t contain outfit posts (although here is one about scarves), or have certain aspects that other bloggers have.

also, it’s okay that when i’m nervous, i sweat profusely, & get lost. & that i sometimes curse.

{although to be honest, that is NOT something i’m proud of, just sayin’}.

true story all three of those things happened on friday night…i first went to wrong hotel!  with letting my fears win, i would’ve driven back to the right hotel & cried!  (which i did, but i asked for help from HIM, and boom!  instant feel better music cued, plus a pretty classic Babs story for this here bloggity).  🙂

i have not practiced confidence in myself (in who God created) – enough.

i am enough.  if i could summarize what i learned, gained, got kicked in the behind with, it would be that i am enough.  i always knew it, but i didn’t BELIEVE it.

also, sometimes, i need to listen. (visual:  cue my mom telling her four year old’s to criss cross apple sauce to listen to storytime).  🙂

enough.

in Christ alone, i am enough. i want this life, this blog, this heartbeat:  more about HIM. and way less about me.

this is a stretch for my human mind to consider, (although when i think of it on a worldly sphere, my heart starts beating immeasurably fast & incredibly excited), but this little blog has influence.  in how i talk (well, write) & even more so, how i am when i’m in REAL life, or IRL. (although, honestly, all of it is real life to me).

i LOVED this weekend.  i NEEDED this weekend.  it was like drinking a thousand black bears from biggby coffee, & watching hours of New Girl, while attending 72 concerts, and inhaling a few dozen bagels, but while making new friends, and keeping the old.

if you are not familiar with this blog or me, i ♥ carbs, New Girl, biggby coffee, & music.  and God.  and YOU!

my new lovely friends that i ate thai food with, allie, meg and lindsay

i needed this weekend , not for anything other than to remind myself, that even though i don’t go to church every.single.Sunday.  that God loves me & that He wants me to ask Him for help.  & that most importantly?  i am enough. even with all my junk that i need to work on.  YIPEEEEEE! i KNEW it! (uh, Barb,that’s like, what all of your, like, friends, and like, fam has always said…uh, i know, what can i say, i’m a late bloomer).  🙂

because i love HIM, and believe He is the one who has saved me,

i am enough. He makes me enough.

i am not ashamed that i am not perfect.  you shouldn’t be either.   🙂

i will most likely be the first one to try & tell you that.  but the very last thing i ever want to be is false. or self-righteous.

so.

where do we go from here?  forward.  up.  moving.  being still.  laughing not at people but WITH people!  🙂  whatever it is that somehow connects you to me, i’m thankful for that.

i am incredibly thankful for you reading this.

i don’t know how to put into words how this tribe of women changed me for the better.  this conference did me in.  ‘this internet thing IS real y’all’  – to quote the lovely cohost Jessi

also, thanks for reading until the end. yay for new friends!  yay for God!  yay for carbs!  🙂

my lunch pit stop before the influence conference (ft wayne jj’s)

ps. i had written, edited, rewritten, reedited my post.  rl read my original post, i rewrote it, and  it may not be perfect, but . . . i want people to feel the joy i have experienced, because this weekend MOVED me in the most incredible way, and this is part of my reflection on it.  not all of my weekend, or my words, or my thoughts were perfect, but they were most certainly enough.  more than enough.

lots of fulfilling enough love to you & yours,

b

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19 thoughts on “{insert your excuse here: mine was fear}

  1. So glad you were able to attend the conference, Barb! I was the same way-I was so fearful to go, but I am so glad God provided the opportunity for me to attend.

  2. LOVE this! We all feel the same way and it was so brave of you to just put it all out there. Fear schmear! You are a totally lovely person and I am so happy we crossed paths 🙂 …and I LOVE the New Girl too!

    • UM, so GLAD that we met. It was so awesome to chat with you and get to know you. You are so lovely yourself chica. 🙂 can’t wait to see everything you are blogging about with your new schooling and health tips. 🙂 Oh, by the way, your little Lucy is ADORABLE!

  3. I am so very glad that I met you! because you are sweet, smiley, lovely and the list goes on… you really helped me feel comfortable because as you know I suffer from the same exact malady. yep comparing myself to others… and we both know that the Lord definitely doesn’t want that, right? Have a wonderful day!! (i’m now off to tackle the day… and maybe a project or two..)

  4. i love this post babs! you look so happy and sound so… right where you need to be… if that makes sense. i am really glad you got to go to this. xox

  5. Love this! We all have struggles, and sometimes they seem more overwhelming than any other wonderful thing in our lives. It’s such a blessing to sit down in the midst of it all and remember who we are in His eyes. 🙂

  6. Pingback: i have HOPE because it was SPOKEN (part one) | be forever lovely

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