i don’t have enough

 

love is lavishing.

i don’t ever have enough for all of you. but collectively Someone does. let’s seek out that Someone.

let’s put each other in the path of healing and nod approval to our fear-busting chops, that we together can fight this pain. this  brokenness. this inertia toward unrest.

collectively, WE can be enough for each other. WE need one commonality. WE need LOVE.

you don’t need to know what i believe in to love me, nor i to love you.

we ALL bleed red when oxygen hits, we ALL have blue veins underneath our skin.

we have the most unique pigments to our skin, that scars when it heals, and sweats when it’s too hot.

WE are the SAME bones, with various patterns and layers upon us.

THAT IS IT. please stop telling me that i cannot take care of you because of my differences.

I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE AS I LOVE MY NEIGHBOR.

alive and without abandon.

let us move beyond the sludge of labels, of greed, of proving something to anyone. let us prove we can love our neighbor as ourselves. let us start by dropping our ‘better than’ labels, and start with the lonely, the orphaned, the needy.

in return for your sacrifice you will be infiltrated with joy. you may try to fight it off. you are just doing the ‘right thing’ you say.

but you aren’t. YOU ARE DOING WHAT COMES BY INSTINCT.

JOY IS JUST THE ADDED BONUS.

you are LIVING. we are MADE to be LIVING TOGETHER, one with each other. that’s why sports games that are nail biters are catalysts for fist bumping. it’s not because we are the actual batter or referee or coach, but we feed off of the energy:

just like church when we raise our hands in worship.

exactly like the sway you start, unknowingly, alongside your favorite crooner, their guts toppling out under pyrotechnics.

mirrored in an art installation that instantly makes you weep, or boil with anger.

public outcry means

we are not de-sensitized like

the Hungry Hippo of They

say we are.

you know why? the THEY is made up of us.

so let’s stop the madness of US verses THEM.

THEY:

your neighbor. the one who insists that they’re fine, who deals alone with a sick parent, and craves a short respite from the worry.

THEY :

exhausted, overwhelmed new mom who “should” be happy but can’t seem to stop crying and is afraid she will hurt herself.

THEY:

frightened young teen who does not know where their next meal will come from from, but thinks hunger will be less painful than remaining in abuse and chooses to run.

our THEY is the collective.

WE have to start taking better care of THEM.

because regardless of our ‘busy’ … man, woman, child …  we need EACH OTHER to survive.

busy is bullshit.

LOVE IS LAVISHING.

let’s start living like we mean it.

let’s stop pretending that making our pockets deeper or more fashionable will make our hearts bulletproof to LIFE and it’s CITIZENS.

i may sound angry, but I’m not. I AM JUST WAKING UP TO WHAT MATTERS TO ME.

it’s going to be a tough road of learning, but i’d rather be about YOU and THEY than about me.

i can’t function alone, and i’m guessing that a potluck, party of 1, seems kind of stale.

let’s celebrate THRIVING and dig deeper. i know we can heal us TOGETHER.

party’s at my house.

oxox,

b

donotworry.

joy :: day three :: personified

today was not what i planned. i was home alone supposed to be working on homework. i tried. it just was a mess in my craft/work room and that is where i needed to do work.

so my time was not wasteful but sometimes wayward.

i actually started the day at the coffee shop, but there was a young man who was insistent that we all hear whatever he was telling his date. i think i may be old. i have realized that i need silence to work or read or concentrate really. which is funny because normally i don’t like when it is too quiet.

but the reason it was not what i planned, was because i had to miss my favorite girl’s softball games, to work on my homework. which i did very little of. my viking told me she played fantastic.

so, it was a long day. i am super bummed i missed a chance to cheer her on. i cleaned and tried and was productive. but missed my favorites.

they came home exhausted and windburned and starving.

i had the blankets ready. i picked up the pizzas, and i waited on them.
just the act of taking care of them was the happiest part of my day for sure.

because sometimes joy is spoiling. sometimes good ranch and a recap of plays awesomely executed, and acknowledgment of a room well cleaned is exactly what you need (minus the stinky feet).

but mostly, when the plans of the day change, i wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in this world than sandwiched between these two snoozing beautiful people. because they are my joy, and i don’t know what i did to earn their love. but i am the luckiest girl in the world that this is my life with them.

they are my joy.

to me, they are joy personified.

confidence can:: vitaminia confidencia

do you know what you need sometimes? a boost. of vitamin c? of vitamin d?

of vitamina confidencia. i tell you, it will change you.

 i don’t like my pictures taken. i don’t think i’m the only one out there with this issue.

i never have, and i’m trying to change, so that one day, i will have pictures that i can browse and peruse, and tell stories from.

so, what did i do to get a dose of vitamina confidencia? had a photo shoot with my sister colleen, and her wicked awesome photo skills.

my advice for upping that ante for gaining some confidence?

have FUN with it. i am going to attempt to publish this post without making fun of my chin, or my pale, pale skin. 🙂

tip::  accessorize!  whether it’s with a fun hairstyle, or a favorite belt or necklace, pick something that makes you smile.

pick out a few pieces that you love, in fact, if you really want to have some fun…take the time to lay out all of your baubles and lovely pieces, so you can look through them!  and if accessories are not your thing, then go to town with your clothes choices…i am more of an accessories girl – because let’s be honest, they always fit – so i chose to go with the jewelry route.

i’m telling you, nothing gets me more perked up than a good bracelet, or a rocking pair of earrings.  and, i’m guessing, if you are anything like me, then that splash of color, or small sparkle will leave YOU sparkling.  🙂

so after you pick out a few things, dazzle yourself with some awesome pieces (you can get fun, funky jewelry that is handmade and affordable on etsy, or big cartel!), then, try to relax…

   you may even realize that you are beginning to have fun… and, you may just share a giggle or two along the way.

but the most important thing?

that you begin to really see yourself the way that others see you…silly, full of color, and lively.  because, my dears, you are ALIVE!  so, why shouldn’t we embrace that?

see?  no pale skin/chin jokes … and even though i believe that confidence is extremely important, health is supposed to be total, and not just emotional. i believe in being healthy, and have been working on getting fit. we need to realize that our health and our beauty go hand in hand with our confidence and self esteem!

i call it the confidence can creed:

i, (fill in your lovely moniker here) will not put my looks down.  i WILL celebrate this life I’ve been given with full vigor and passion.  i will realize that what i fill my mind and body with, will be a TRUE reflection of how i feel.  I will no longer judge my day based upon the scale, or if i need to have  a piece of chocolate. or whether my outfit cost $1,000 or is a hand-me-down.

BUT:  I will celebrate my healthy goal milestones. I will embrace my quirks.  I will acknowledge and celebrate my hair, my mind, my booty, my freckles.

 I will make sure to make my health a priority, in whatever way that is important to me,

so I can spread my lovely joy to those whose paths I cross once or daily.

Because, I am beautiful.  And it’s about freaking time I realized it!

God made me this way, and I will celebrate it (and accessorize til the guinea pigs come home)!

*DISCLAIMER: TO GAIN SUCH A STUNNING PALE GHOSTLY COMPLEXION, YOU NEED NOT BUY A SPRAY BOTTLE PALE.  THIS IS AU NATURAL.  SO PLEASE DO NOT TRY AND COPY, AS THIS BLOG AND WEBSITE ARE MY OWN.   😉 AND, IF YOU LIKE THE FLOWER LEATHER CUFF, MY FRIEND AMBER SELLS THEM HERE.

{insert your excuse here: mine was fear}

my roommate left this for me in the hotel room. ♥

to mankind, i may never be enough, but in God’s eyes, i always am.

YES!

i struggle with jealousy. with fear. with comparison.  bummer.

i also struggle with too much i.
but, if you are a human being (pretty sure this means you), so do you.  yay, we’re in this together!
so, when i was given the gift of attending  the influence conference, i thought, how in the world have i gotten myself into this? i am a ‘fraidy cat. i am not good enough. i don’t have sidebar advertisements on my blog, and i’m pretty sure the last time i thought of doing a fun outfit post was um, never? &, i haven’t even started my shop yet!

anywhoo, i have FEARS.  & they are real.  in fact, they have over my lifetime given me physical symptoms of panic attacks.  so the thought of driving to indianapolis, to room with a stranger (Hi Kathleen!), & hang out with women from all walks of life, {knowing no one}  & the only things that connected us were God & a conference room?

t-e-r-r-i-f-y-i-n-g.

my thoughts:  i am not a good enough____________…. fueled my fears to great lengths.  & you probably know if you know me in real life, that i’m a christian.

so how come i was so scared?  how come i didn’t just remember that God loves me?  because i’m human, and we mess up!  Oh, you do too?  Welcome to my club.  🙂

disclaimer:  i am about to get real-to-my-soul-goodness right here.  you ready?  oh, well, it’s coming at you anyways!

from here on out:  every single thing that i write, every thought that i have, every breath that i take, it is all trying to please God.  it always has been.  i just haven’t vocalized that much. starting here, i may vocalize it.  or, i may not.  i may continue to write how i feel comfortable.  i may leave the words needed for others to write the gospel, to the loving gifted people to write with holy words, & scripture messages jam-packed full to the brim.  and that’s okay!  we all have our gifts.

my new friend emily, she makes gorgeous hair pieces at borrowed lark

part of the reason that i believed that i was not good enough to attend the conference is that i haven’t practiced being me enough.

wait, what? that does not make sense.

God created each of us unique. so, it’s okay that my blog is unique, & doesn’t quote scripture (well sometimes it may), doesn’t contain outfit posts (although here is one about scarves), or have certain aspects that other bloggers have.

also, it’s okay that when i’m nervous, i sweat profusely, & get lost. & that i sometimes curse.

{although to be honest, that is NOT something i’m proud of, just sayin’}.

true story all three of those things happened on friday night…i first went to wrong hotel!  with letting my fears win, i would’ve driven back to the right hotel & cried!  (which i did, but i asked for help from HIM, and boom!  instant feel better music cued, plus a pretty classic Babs story for this here bloggity).  🙂

i have not practiced confidence in myself (in who God created) – enough.

i am enough.  if i could summarize what i learned, gained, got kicked in the behind with, it would be that i am enough.  i always knew it, but i didn’t BELIEVE it.

also, sometimes, i need to listen. (visual:  cue my mom telling her four year old’s to criss cross apple sauce to listen to storytime).  🙂

enough.

in Christ alone, i am enough. i want this life, this blog, this heartbeat:  more about HIM. and way less about me.

this is a stretch for my human mind to consider, (although when i think of it on a worldly sphere, my heart starts beating immeasurably fast & incredibly excited), but this little blog has influence.  in how i talk (well, write) & even more so, how i am when i’m in REAL life, or IRL. (although, honestly, all of it is real life to me).

i LOVED this weekend.  i NEEDED this weekend.  it was like drinking a thousand black bears from biggby coffee, & watching hours of New Girl, while attending 72 concerts, and inhaling a few dozen bagels, but while making new friends, and keeping the old.

if you are not familiar with this blog or me, i ♥ carbs, New Girl, biggby coffee, & music.  and God.  and YOU!

my new lovely friends that i ate thai food with, allie, meg and lindsay

i needed this weekend , not for anything other than to remind myself, that even though i don’t go to church every.single.Sunday.  that God loves me & that He wants me to ask Him for help.  & that most importantly?  i am enough. even with all my junk that i need to work on.  YIPEEEEEE! i KNEW it! (uh, Barb,that’s like, what all of your, like, friends, and like, fam has always said…uh, i know, what can i say, i’m a late bloomer).  🙂

because i love HIM, and believe He is the one who has saved me,

i am enough. He makes me enough.

i am not ashamed that i am not perfect.  you shouldn’t be either.   🙂

i will most likely be the first one to try & tell you that.  but the very last thing i ever want to be is false. or self-righteous.

so.

where do we go from here?  forward.  up.  moving.  being still.  laughing not at people but WITH people!  🙂  whatever it is that somehow connects you to me, i’m thankful for that.

i am incredibly thankful for you reading this.

i don’t know how to put into words how this tribe of women changed me for the better.  this conference did me in.  ‘this internet thing IS real y’all’  – to quote the lovely cohost Jessi

also, thanks for reading until the end. yay for new friends!  yay for God!  yay for carbs!  🙂

my lunch pit stop before the influence conference (ft wayne jj’s)

ps. i had written, edited, rewritten, reedited my post.  rl read my original post, i rewrote it, and  it may not be perfect, but . . . i want people to feel the joy i have experienced, because this weekend MOVED me in the most incredible way, and this is part of my reflection on it.  not all of my weekend, or my words, or my thoughts were perfect, but they were most certainly enough.  more than enough.

lots of fulfilling enough love to you & yours,

b