i don’t have enough

 

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love is lavishing.

i don’t ever have enough for all of you. but collectively Someone does. let’s seek out that Someone.

let’s put each other in the path of healing and nod approval to our fear-busting chops, that we together can fight this pain. this  brokenness. this inertia toward unrest.

collectively, WE can be enough for each other. WE need one commonality. WE need LOVE.

you don’t need to know what i believe in to love me, nor i to love you.

we ALL bleed red when oxygen hits, we ALL have blue veins underneath our skin.

we have the most unique pigments to our skin, that scars when it heals, and sweats when it’s too hot.

WE are the SAME bones, with various patterns and layers upon us.

THAT IS IT. please stop telling me that i cannot take care of you because of my differences.

I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE AS I LOVE MY NEIGHBOR.

alive and without abandon.

let us move beyond the sludge of labels, of greed, of proving something to anyone. let us prove we can love our neighbor as ourselves. let us start by dropping our ‘better than’ labels, and start with the lonely, the orphaned, the needy.

in return for your sacrifice you will be infiltrated with joy. you may try to fight it off. you are just doing the ‘right thing’ you say.

but you aren’t. YOU ARE DOING WHAT COMES BY INSTINCT.

JOY IS JUST THE ADDED BONUS.

you are LIVING. we are MADE to be LIVING TOGETHER, one with each other. that’s why sports games that are nail biters are catalysts for fist bumping. it’s not because we are the actual batter or referee or coach, but we feed off of the energy:

just like church when we raise our hands in worship.

exactly like the sway you start, unknowingly, alongside your favorite crooner, their guts toppling out under pyrotechnics.

mirrored in an art installation that instantly makes you weep, or boil with anger.

public outcry means

we are not de-sensitized like

the Hungry Hippo of They

say we are.

you know why? the THEY is made up of us.

so let’s stop the madness of US verses THEM.

THEY:

your neighbor. the one who insists that they’re fine, who deals alone with a sick parent, and craves a short respite from the worry.

THEY :

exhausted, overwhelmed new mom who “should” be happy but can’t seem to stop crying and is afraid she will hurt herself.

THEY:

frightened young teen who does not know where their next meal will come from from, but thinks hunger will be less painful than remaining in abuse and chooses to run.

our THEY is the collective.

WE have to start taking better care of THEM.

because regardless of our ‘busy’ … man, woman, child …  we need EACH OTHER to survive.

busy is bullshit.

LOVE IS LAVISHING.

let’s start living like we mean it.

let’s stop pretending that making our pockets deeper or more fashionable will make our hearts bulletproof to LIFE and it’s CITIZENS.

i may sound angry, but I’m not. I AM JUST WAKING UP TO WHAT MATTERS TO ME.

it’s going to be a tough road of learning, but i’d rather be about YOU and THEY than about me.

i can’t function alone, and i’m guessing that a potluck, party of 1, seems kind of stale.

let’s celebrate THRIVING and dig deeper. i know we can heal us TOGETHER.

party’s at my house.

oxox,

b

donotworry.

daddy daughter u.p. trip

yes.

in life there are moments that you will relive over & over again because they are little or big gifts from God. the moment RL asked me to marry him, will be one of them: i said yes.

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frizzy hippie: volume 2 :: i can’t eat the glue, & what it’s teaching me

link to purchase picture

bobcat pup

source

in the past half year or so, i’ve gone gluten free. this post is about what i miss (foods), and what <<i’ve discovered>>.

i have not jumped on the bandwagon. but if you need to judge me anyway, go ahead. I (politely) just don’t care anymore what you think about my food choices.  i have been doing it to see if the stomach issues that have plagued my daily life since childhood, would improve – they have.

joy!

(i miss fresh bagels)

::: it has been HARD.  i ate gluten a few times on and off since i’ve been trying it. i immediately felt the effects of its return. tummy aches, uncomfortable, lack of energy (boo).

so i’ve made a choice. no more gluten – forever. (only exception, if my Uncle Ron makes Gramma F’s homemade bread, or teaches me how – pretty please?). 🙂

i have now been gfree since Christmas Day, and i’m never going back. i will not just eat it to please whomever my host or hostess is, and i will just bring my own snacks so i know i have options. this may sound harsh, but it is my HEALTH. no offense to you! 🙂

::: the removal of something that is in SO much in our food today has been a very difficult task.

difficult because i’ve been trying to lose weight without much change to my routine, and i’m on a budget. remember this? duh Barb, you gotta MOVE more. (goal for 2014).

((i also miss microbrewed beer))

taking out a protein, not because i’m allergic, but obviously because i’ve found, i have an issue with it (as i have felt/looked better immediately after i stopped eating it) has been life changing.

<< i have MORE ENERGY>>  :::::

what i’ve realized is that taking it out of my diet is more than just taking it out for me. it has been an education for everyone that i encounter on a semi-regular basis.

i’m a freshman about the gluten facts. like, did you know that there are some beef jerky brands that contain it? and some cheeses? fascinating.

<< LESS BLOATING. NOTE THAT I DIDN’T SAY SKINNY 🙂 >>

before i lose you with boring factoids, i want this post to be a goal for all of us.

because, dear folks, not eating gluten seems to me to have been a punishment so far, and i’d love to change that. (this post is about more than gluten i promise). 😉

i feel like because i can’t have a soft breaded sandwich without having to toast my bread beforehand, or eat stuffing at holiday meals, or check every single label, i feel gypped!

there, i said it.

(( i miss inexpensive tasty crackers))  :::  one of the harder things? people are skeptical about why i may be doing it.

or worse?

they make jokes about stuff not being “gluten free” because it is the dieting rage right now.

i’ll be honest, i didn’t research a whole lot before i started, because if i had, i’d never have even tried.

this little protein is added to SO many things to use as a kind of protein “glue” if you will. something about it makes things stick together.

i am all kinds of edumacating you all today, huh? 🙂

<< i am NO LONGER PHYSICALLY DIZZY, ALTHOUGH MENTAL DIZZINESS IS STILL KICKIN’>>  :::

going forward:

i want to not feel gypped. i want to feel JOY now & forever about my health choices, and in general about my choices, such as wearing white after Labor Day, and why Michigan State is the best university in the world.

it also got me thinking that my struggle to want to just be able to eat like my gluten tolerant friends & fam, is a great metaphor for like TONS of things.  life choices. career choices.  Mac or PC.

you see, we cannot always choose why we are the way we are.  we can certainly try to improve on stuff that we struggle with, or dislike about ourselves. i also think it may come down to something even more simple for me.

i want to feel supported in my decisions. whether i decide to become the first woman to climb mount everest with a bobcat pup snuggled into a baby sling, or i want to start the world’s first sustainable lady bug farm.  i want people to ask questions with interest, not doubt. i want people to be curious with compassion, care & tenderness, not scowls and snideness.

isn’t it absurd (and SO joyous) that we are given these lives according to God’s plan for EACH of us, and how we seem to make a hilarious, beautiful messes of it, and how He still loves us anyway?

that rocks!

i believe that God wants us to use encouragement, support, love and understanding to continuously affect the people around you and how their joy is being sought. being shared & multiplied. mine too. we are supposed to be different. we are supposed to eat different stuff. wear different clothes. speak different languages. because God would have been so bored to have a world of only Victoria & David Beckhams. He would have been B-O-R-E-D.

do you know those montages for different things like phone commercials, where they interview or show short clips of people of all races, sizes, religions, sexual orientations, hair color, ages, peanut-butter-choices? and everyone is smiling? those are MY FAVORITE. the beauty of those colors of skin, those hairstyles, those shapes, those smiles – all not perfect, are just SO real.

different.

all of us.

so, the next time someone is telling your their ideology or diet, or plan for financial freedom, or big dream, let them talk. and listen.  REALLY listen.  ask questions with intention of goodness, show them your joy of hearing or interpretting what they mean, as they delve into it. my guess is? you will see the sparkle in their eyes. or feel the energy of their excitement. you may even give them a hug, and a word of encouragement. because they may not know all the answers of what gluten is in, or know how they will climb mount everest and still make sure to feed their bobcat babe when it’s hungry, or even know where to find tiny solar-powered tractors for their ladybug farm. but i’m sure they’d love a friend’s ear to bounce ideas off of. i’m going to take my own advice and let my favorite girl dream out loud, without being the reality police, or worse yet, the dream crusher. i want her to feel the joy of choosing on her own and learning. because through this journey of eating gluten free i’ve learned that i need to extend kindness to those with their own ideas of what works for them. because we all have God’s safety net, and eventually someone will come up with a gluten free version of Buffalo Wild Wing’s chocolate cake, right? 🙂

i can’t eat the glue, but what i’m gaining in understanding is pretty filling. plus? i can still eat kettle chips, chocolate & coffee with cream (sometimes sugar), so life.is.good.

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i will conquer the west

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about my fears, i wrote the following, knowing that only by conquering my fears of beginning, will i ever know if i can. the more i wonder, the braver i become.

i am not the west.
i am the north.
i breathe the south.
i embrace the east.
but the west.
it is scary, dry, unknown, desolate perhaps.
is it sacred >> does it bring about cracks that want to envelop me?
i know nothing of its culture.
i am an immigrant in its land.
the west of what i dream and rake my future from, those west – are more than what i think i could handle if i got there.
but, what i know, in the form of fingertips and frostbite, unprepared – i’m heading there anyway.
with my cart.
because of my very horse.
the wagon of my stuff exposed – laid bare upon those cracked and hardened canvases of truth.
the west.
it is an apocalypse of fear that i will destroy with my beginning.
the fear is something erupting into my drums.
and i must march on.

to your dreams, to your hopes, to your beginnings.

i am sending out the blessing of the new year to each and every one of you. may we seek the joy in all we do, and may we spread the kindness as a living, breathing seed of good.

happiest of happy to you and yours. what is your west? go & explore it. may we find love wherever we are brave enough to travel.

love,

b

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love, in all its complications.

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i often forget that it takes work. like every relationship that i’ve ever had.

he didn’t take out the garbage.

she didn’t call me back.

he’ll regret that he forgot to tell me about that one day.

hurmphphmp.

but do i stop loving those folks for those little things? do i cease to think of them when a song comes on that brings them to mind, or a picture of them is brought to my attention?

sometimes i think i can, or i will be mad or hurt forever. but that sting fades, and that person is human. just like you. like me.

it’s like God’s love for me, and my love for Him.

i think that we are shown people who we want to love, that for whatever reason, cannot love us back equally.

everyone has the capacity.  not everyone knows what to always do with that capacity.

but if it is the right kind of love, if it is the love that someone truly cares about you, then they often do things they don’t want to, and we should honor this, because they are trying.

i need to remember that about God.

we cannot move from a place of unequal love, to a place of no longer loving them for a mistake, for if we do, we will lose out on the process of healing, of the hope found in forgiveness.

but remember this:: if you never want to love again, if you haven’t yet felt a deep love, if you don’t believe that God loves you because of tragedies, or hurts that you have experienced ::  if you think that love is without toil or sweat or tears, that it will solve everything without work involved, or sacrifice, or struggle, you have not learned the of the greatest love of all:: God’s love for us.

He gave his Son.

and each new day, he gives us a new sun too. a new chance for change, or healing, or more love to seep in.

for our earthly loves will cease with death, and our love of possessions will leave our houses full, and our spirits empty, but our love of God will bring grief, struggle, joy, triumph, and freedom.

He loves us SO much, that He sets us free,

and we don’t always feel that freedom.

but it is not a race to get to his LOVE.

it is a slow, sometimes epic journey, which will show us His love over and over again. just because we Love the Lord, or believe in God, or love our Neighbor, as we should, doesn’t mean that the suffering ends.

Doesn’t mean that the hurts cease to cut us, or that we don’t bleed when broken.

it means that during, and most certainly after the healing of those hurts, that binding of wounds, that salve of ultimate comfort, will lift us higher than the hurt could ever reach.

it will heal us (perhaps not fully) but more efficiently, stronger, and with more self confidence to adhere to the next challenge, bind the next wound, help the next neighbor.
so, if you are hurting, if you are broken, bleeding or down…remember that our ultimate restoration is not in this shell, but in the everlasting of the Greatest Love. our wounds will heal. our hearts will soar. our needs will be met, and then some!

please carry on with the sweat, the hard GOOD work, the forgiving, the healing, the journey.

because we all need you here, you are meant for something great, and most importantly ::

YOU ARE LOVED MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

sigggggg22

push on

blue

sometimes your keyboard is a bit too sticky.

perhaps that is your truth. or maybe your tires, or your days seem flat.

perhaps you have forgotten what life without hard work looks like.

or perhaps you need to work harder, like i’m feeling.

maybe you need a break.

a rest from the busy, or a nook from the stress.

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maybe your colors are all running together, & you just feel muddy. or blue.

i am here to tell you that it happens to everyone, & that you must push on.

i don’t mean to push through, i mean push on. for there is strength in knowing when to rest.

rest if your soul needs it.

take a break in the most relaxing, or energizing way.

but please carry on with the utmost hope, as we know that the Good Guy has our backs.

his wings will shelter us from the storms of our days & longest nights.

He is always looking out for us, no matter our moods, our colors, our stories.

we must know that He is there regardless if we feel Him or not.

He is there. what an awesome TRUTH.

green eyes

this truth is something to take hold of, & wrap ourselves in daily.

He is our Great Comforter – our Great Hope.

i would be lost without my God, & His love for me.  I know He has a plan that I cannot see.

my peace in Him gives me rest, & knowing that I’m in His hands, gives me energy for the weary days.

also? coffee helps, chocolate is necessary, & hugs are my favorite.  🙂

gratefullness too.

family & friends’ honeyed voices, & pictures of lovely littles & people, sent right to my little phone.

those pictures & texts, the notes of thoughfulness – make my day. 🙂

they probably make yours too. i am going to consciously start writing more snail mail. surprise someone i know with a lovely note of happy.

all these things are sources of goodness, & in this month of gray skies & lack of color, i need that, & perhaps you do too. maybe someone you know needs that love sent their way?

so let’s go give lovely-ness to our world, & let us be grateFULL.

we can be the LOVE we want to feel & see, & we don’t even know fully the greatness of how that LOVE that will change us! ♥

push on my friends. our love is needed everywhere. our love is felt always. our love is irreplaceable.

He will cover you with his feathers,
& under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield & rampart.  PSALM 91:4

coffee shop south haven

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monday mantra :: embrace them.

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“Every particular in nature, a leaf, a drop, a crystal, a moment of time, is related to the whole, and partakes of the perfection of the whole.” Ralph Waldo Emerson.
and, I believe this to be true of our lives. every whisper, every tear, every belly laugh, every hug, partakes to the perfection of your life. so, don’t wish away those moments, embrace them for what they are, and feel them with the smallness, and the epic proportions that make them your LIFE.

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surf the brave

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being brave comes from within.

or does it?

i think it comes to us in waves, and we need to muster the courage to grab our boards and

catch it!

i haven’t talked much on here about my recent journey to change.

but it’s scary.

i’m a student again, and am experiencing the unknown, becoming familiar with the rocky, queasy feeling of unease.

i am in the depths of my fear of failing.

i am trying so hard to make sure my board stays right side up.

to keep my hands paddling strong, using my strengths, instead of fighting my weaknesses.

i will succeed.

🙂

barrel into something grand.

grip tight to the current that is the essence of my fear, and stand up.

it has not been without some gnarly moments already.

rl has been my rescue guy.

ar the smart, sassy coast guard.

and of course, i always have my Life Guard.

this summer came to a close, and i can clearly state it was one of the best of my life.

i had the best grades of my life.

conquered some fears of crashing into the shore.

came out stronger, more encouraged, wiser, and rested.

that reminded me that sometimes scary + hard work = amazing.

but now, the hardest work must begin.

i have big plans.

to keep paddling, keep kicking, and aggressively go after that wave of courage.

to catch success, not by bobbing uncontrollably, but to seek out the adventurous.

i am thankful for a chance to keep learning more.

education is a form of breathing to me –  if i keep learning, i will GROW STRONG IN MY NEW CHALLENGES,

my lungs will fill with a refreshed spirit,

& then…who knows what i’ll see, or where i’ll be.

thank you to everyone who has helped me take these lessons.

i am so excited to be in the water.

there is so much love and fun out there for us, not to mention killer views.

let’s grab a board shall we?

surf the brave with me my friends.

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the breath of freedom

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the curtains take in deep breaths, as if they know i need to.

the hum of the day, the dusk settling in, my lap warmed by the addictive portal.

i speak of kindness, of loving your neighbor, but it is more than that.

we must love our words too.

protect them fiercely, know that they carry weight.

we must protect those themes that young and old will absorb,

as if the pulse of humanity depends on it.

it just may.

now, no more shall my lips produce another vile spewing,

i’ve realized i am done with their toxic effects.

i am free!  i don’t need to make excuses, nor belittle myself, or others.

my God has set me free, and i no longer need to feel the death grip of fear.

anxiety does not have a hold on me.

for :  i know that i will be going to the Highest place of Peace (one day), for the sole purpose that i am loved beyond my earthly understanding.

i am thought so highly of, that my breaths – are counted, measured

as a sleeping babe in swaddles was, once, long ago.

that thought provokes more than just happiness in me.

i am overwhelmed by it.

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so, i strive to perfect this earthly breath i have been given, knowing that i shouldn’t and can’t be perfect.

don’t be perfect, it is a waste of breath.

love your best, and the rest will fall into place (i must tell myself).

there was only one perfect one.

and He saved me.

and the words that keep striking me over and over again, are

‘Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, and now am found, was blind, but now I see.’

so, if i can just carry that notion, tucked alongside my ribs, it will become my anthem.

i just need to remember to sing it.

amazing grace (in)

how sweet the sound (out)

that saved a wretch like me (in)

i once was lost (out)

but now am found (in)

was blind (out)

but now i see. (in)

i am overwhelmed by grace friends, and it is good.

it becomes my breath.

i am alive, and i am free!

happy monday to you, i hope your night is filled with love and light!

sigggggg22

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