i don’t have enough

 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

love is lavishing.

i don’t ever have enough for all of you. but collectively Someone does. let’s seek out that Someone.

let’s put each other in the path of healing and nod approval to our fear-busting chops, that we together can fight this pain. this  brokenness. this inertia toward unrest.

collectively, WE can be enough for each other. WE need one commonality. WE need LOVE.

you don’t need to know what i believe in to love me, nor i to love you.

we ALL bleed red when oxygen hits, we ALL have blue veins underneath our skin.

we have the most unique pigments to our skin, that scars when it heals, and sweats when it’s too hot.

WE are the SAME bones, with various patterns and layers upon us.

THAT IS IT. please stop telling me that i cannot take care of you because of my differences.

I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE AS I LOVE MY NEIGHBOR.

alive and without abandon.

let us move beyond the sludge of labels, of greed, of proving something to anyone. let us prove we can love our neighbor as ourselves. let us start by dropping our ‘better than’ labels, and start with the lonely, the orphaned, the needy.

in return for your sacrifice you will be infiltrated with joy. you may try to fight it off. you are just doing the ‘right thing’ you say.

but you aren’t. YOU ARE DOING WHAT COMES BY INSTINCT.

JOY IS JUST THE ADDED BONUS.

you are LIVING. we are MADE to be LIVING TOGETHER, one with each other. that’s why sports games that are nail biters are catalysts for fist bumping. it’s not because we are the actual batter or referee or coach, but we feed off of the energy:

just like church when we raise our hands in worship.

exactly like the sway you start, unknowingly, alongside your favorite crooner, their guts toppling out under pyrotechnics.

mirrored in an art installation that instantly makes you weep, or boil with anger.

public outcry means

we are not de-sensitized like

the Hungry Hippo of They

say we are.

you know why? the THEY is made up of us.

so let’s stop the madness of US verses THEM.

THEY:

your neighbor. the one who insists that they’re fine, who deals alone with a sick parent, and craves a short respite from the worry.

THEY :

exhausted, overwhelmed new mom who “should” be happy but can’t seem to stop crying and is afraid she will hurt herself.

THEY:

frightened young teen who does not know where their next meal will come from from, but thinks hunger will be less painful than remaining in abuse and chooses to run.

our THEY is the collective.

WE have to start taking better care of THEM.

because regardless of our ‘busy’ … man, woman, child …  we need EACH OTHER to survive.

busy is bullshit.

LOVE IS LAVISHING.

let’s start living like we mean it.

let’s stop pretending that making our pockets deeper or more fashionable will make our hearts bulletproof to LIFE and it’s CITIZENS.

i may sound angry, but I’m not. I AM JUST WAKING UP TO WHAT MATTERS TO ME.

it’s going to be a tough road of learning, but i’d rather be about YOU and THEY than about me.

i can’t function alone, and i’m guessing that a potluck, party of 1, seems kind of stale.

let’s celebrate THRIVING and dig deeper. i know we can heal us TOGETHER.

party’s at my house.

oxox,

b

love should be the pulse.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

goodness should be our breath.

love should be the pulse.

caring should be our guide, and kindness should be our platform.

always.

always.

always, even in the season of different reasons, different books, different traditions.

it should always begin and end with love.

unconditional and whole.

love.

you cannot buy it, but you can give it freely.

sigggggg22

copper connector, railroad conductor

i am not sure what the path that God has chosen for me except that somehow i’m a connector.

love more

i am the railroad conductor.

child, sister, mediator. long term-er.

connector.  like a copper wire of sorts, weaving my way around, making sure the electricity is on between folks.

i utilize this copper with a sense of urgency, then, restraint.

i rearrange this metal hoop, with which, i cannot jump through without affecting another human, someone’s child,- perhaps, someone’s aunt.

should i make stuff to sell on etsy?

move closer to alex, get a new job, a new home?

remain in tact at a job that i’m slowly building confidence and regard to usefulness?  make paintings of my poetry, hoping to gain extra income to stash away for blue bears farm?

i know that i will not stop dreaming and believing in this blog.  a blog that has been a dream for over two years, that i don’t update nearly enough, and that i obsess over & OVER who reads and follows and likes.

i know that i am not the same kind of dreamer you are.  we don’t work the same or react anything alike.  i don’t like photos of myself, and barely know how to keep a home running.

but i love.

with all my heart.  every single minute.  the people and breathing living things around me.

they feel it.  i know they do.  even when i feel guilty for calling a friend at exactly the wrong time every.single.time.  they know at least i thought of them.

and i break.  a lot…my compass of what’s right, and what’s too much to say or worry about is often in the shop.   BUT…

i know i can make this blog work.  somehow it will generate interest enough.  it will liken someone to know how to be nicer.  more sensitive.  laugh louder.  eat more bread. (y’all know i’m a carbsLOVER, right?).  maybe someone thinks i’m kooky for laying this all out there.

but me?  i’m only doing what i think is right.   a connector of worlds.  step-mamas, singles, marrieds, old, young, cranky, hippy, artsty, muscially inclined to fall in love,  sportsy, overweight, undervalued, book worm, sassypants, bike riding, motorcycle passengering, river fishing, middle of the long road, different path taken people.

i believe i have the power to connect them all.

diy life

1. be born.

2. make it through middle/high/elementary life while being awkward.

3. discover your path does not align with “well, on paper it’s perfect”.

4. realize that this is exactly where & when you’re supposed to be((hear))

5. fall down, fail, get tragically uninspired by comparison to your-friends-peers-others.

6. realize that you hate this path, pray, choose another.

7. understand that what you thought you would be at age 3/11/18/21 will always change based upon changes around you.

8. realize that life happens.  your problems are more or less the same as others, except there are worse, & there are more/less.

9. surround yourself with love, laughter, & the occasional drink. repeat.

10. hold babies & loved ones as if it’s the last. especially repeat.

11. realize that even though your parents may not understand or appreciate your path, all they really want is for you to be happy, because, they are wonderful people. & they love you to the moon. same with your siblings.

12. fall in love.

13. fall out of love >> cry at rdiculous movies that are not real life. << repeat

14. buy new “you” clothes.  << repeat

15. eat ice cream. repeat, especially in place of dinner(sometimes).

16. work hard, & do not understand why. then understand that life is not recess all the time.

17. be irresponsible. learn. repeat.

18. make others proud.

19. make yourself proud. repeat.

20. dance. in the rain, in sweaty ridiculous clothes, at weddings, on the street, in your unders.

21. find love, real love. accept it, cherish it, show it to others.

22. make mistakes. forgive yourself.

23. learn.  (bike riding, monopoly & experiencing softball through a girls’ eyes help).

24. understand love/be kind to animals.

25. meet expectations while demolishing expectations.

26. create. make messes, repeatbeat yourself up, learn, heal, create. repeat.

27. FAIL.  fail again, and again, and again.

28. learn.

29. read. lots, read lots & lots. the classics, the mags, whatever makes you wonder. don’t forget #5 & then #26.

30. discover that friendships will sway, & bend, & melt, & become stronger through lapses of time, & space & the elusive cheap airplane ticket.

31. take pictures, write vague and meaningful statuses, upload, download, load & reload music. don’t take yourself too seriously.

32. listen. to everyone & everything. toss salt.

33. try to understand that this life is yours, & yours alone, & as long as you are always striving to be happy, spread love(not hurt), & keep the right view of grace in tact, you will be okay.

you will be okay. you will be okay.

where i found him, and why i keep searching

i have found him atop a hill in noblesville, indiana during a ben harper concert with some of my best friends.
i have found him in the embrace of a crying baby when i want to weep as well.
i found him in the smile of a gap-toothed homeless man upon the chicago windy streets.
in the story of the mother missing her child in my own small town. 

i have found him in the elderly woman asking for simple directions in a store.
in the bathroom at a stadium.
in the grasping of hands in the car ride home.
in the hospital.
in the notes, the lovely, musical notes of inspiration+voice.
in the sore muscles that keep moving to make a difference.

love always.love true.

i’ve seen the love of god in every.single.day.of.my.life.
and even though i’ve seen him thousands of times, i will not ever stop searching for his goodness. & in that goodness trying to spread the message to love EVERYONE THE SAME for the rest of my finding moments.
love that we will never find the end of.because we won’t.we won’t ever find the end of love.
xo,
b

*pictures by rl & i

the upswing of being ungreedy

my Godson E.C.G.

it is not about wanting nice things.  of course i want nice things. 

it is not about how much money i make or have made or will make.  of course i want to be able to support myself and my little family.

it is not about being able to compare my friends, my family’s, my extended family’s, my neighbor’s, my hygientist’s, nor my hairstylist’s style, purse, shoes, vacation, boat, etc.  it would be nice sometimes to have what they have.

it is about what makes me happy.  and i am trying not to value things, as much as i value people and time.

i am supposed to tell a story. it is the real story of our past, their future, and my present. it is the story of times lost to error in judgement. in wanting what we have not earned. we are able to put in the work ourselves.

my parents (role models)

 i am supposed to get back to the basics. food, grown by ourselves, not in a lab. work done by our hands, not a system that fails with the man-made power (outage). health earned, and kept up through pure exercise and sweat. we are to abandon the idea that the earnings of a sum, are equal to the happiness that it will bring.

we are human beings, searching for what will fill our void::  when in question, is not our void, but our presence, what we need to acknowledge? what are we present for? field trips and band concerts? or meetings, and agendas. what happened to the family meal at dinner or supper time when everyone talked about their day? there were no television interruptions, no smart-tech gadgets and gizmos.

rl(best everything)

only real talk, and love. sharing the homemade bread, passing the mashed potatoes.   (notice i mentioned both my favorite type of carbs).  the real culprit behind why we don’t have time for anything, is because we allow others to tell us how we should spend it. think about that. it is OUR time. my time. your time. so what if you are going to be missing a meeting that could promote you? so what if that promotion could give you such a big raise that you could earn a second home. it doesn’t matter if you will never have time to visit that second home. it certainly doesn’t matter to your eight year old, whose soccer game you missed, because you need to earn over what you really need to survive.

younger sister:passion, me, older sister:heart

and in the end, that is what it boils down to. what do we need to make us happy, help us survive? not want, not think we want, not desire because the billion dollar you-know-who systems think we should have, to fatten their pockets. greed of things, greed of spending time trying to earn things that will not matter in a hundred years, guilty, dirty, soul-sucking greed. what type of greed are you feeding into?  it is my belief that if you do not understand that the ascension of greed is directly proportional to the decension of human, then you do not understand love.

nephew D.L.G.

it is okay to have special things that make us happy.  as long as those things don’t hurt people.  it is okay to want special things to make the day easier, more enjoyable.  as long as those things are not overtaking living.   

brother by love, sister c

i would love to feel like the only thing anyone could ever accuse me of, would be being greedy with time with those i love.  i will still want.  sometimes i will “covet” (as my madre likes to say), but please help me re-write our story.  i want to try and live my life with less things, and more hugs, more time with loved ones, more happy.  more simple.

sweet alex reese smiles that make everything worth it

i have taken a long journey from that of a wanting person, to that of a needs person.  i will still want.  but it is different now.  i have lost a lot on my path, and i have hurt those i love.  i need to remember that love is the best gift i can give.

i want to make this journey i am on worth it.

be forever lovely,
blf

give B E F O R E you leave

we cannot take a car.

nor a boat.

scooters aren’t even valid.

where we go after we are gone is forever.

we can bring love.

memories of laughter and light.

mental pictures of joy, joy, joy.

 

possessions stay here.

when it is

we will float upon the entry of our souls

to whereverafter we end up.

so…

be loud with joy.

be encouraged with laughter (at noone’s expense).

be forever ready to go on,

and leave nothing but the best of you and what you

G A V E.

be forever lovely.

xo, blf

♥ “What we do for ourselves dies with us.  What we do for others & the world remains and is immortal.” ~ Albert Pine ♥

%d bloggers like this: